#19: Start a Rumor About Yourself

Pizazz! Spark! Verve! A shred of personality!

These are all terms used to describe what makes someone “interesting.”

Unfortunately, an interesting personality has no social cache in this world of constant connection digital age innernets arcades iPods texting brain cells…kids…these dayssdfkjndlhghwjthgbksjdffjhvkjdfnehiuwehuhw………….zzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, whoops, sorry, fell asleep in an armchair next to my toothless cat and a pair of well-worn slippers.

The point is, most people don’t have face-to face conversations, so they’re not looking for an acquaintance capable of engaging dialogue. All you need out of a friend these days is someone with a decent arsenal of colors in Draw Something and the inclination to take filtered photos of your feet. (And seriously, tag that shit).

Unfortunately, most people are thus qualified, so to be successful, you need to distinguish yourself! An easy way to do it is to start a rumor about yourself.

Then, you’re not just the guy who has all five shades of green in Draw Something– you’re the guy who may or may not have impregnated that cheerleader who’s in an orange juice commercial now. Or maybe you’re the dude who stole a cabbage from Whole Foods, narrowly escaped a security guard and ran through the parking lot yelling “FREEDOM, FREEEEEDOOOOM!!!!!”20120425-231013.jpg

All you have to do do is enlist a friend or paid escort to make casual but subtle allusions to the incident (“Coleslaw, am I right?”) and then graudually reveal aspects of the story to key parties under the premise: “the queen must not find out.”

As we know from “Game of Thrones,” this will not work, and soon everyone will be whispering about “the guy who’s arranging a marriage for his underage niece,” or whatever. Having said that, you should probably make sure the rumor doesn’t entail you committing a felony.

With a solid rumor circulating, people will sense that you have intrinsic social value. You are, yourself, a talking point, and don’t need to actually be spoken to. So you can keep your own boring thoughts to yourself and brush up on your Draw Something skills. Because seriously, the fact that your “snoop dog” and “nick cannon” look so much alike is borderline racist.

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