#17: Be a slave to fads

Have you ever heard of “Shia Rebuffed?”

The correct answer is yes, even if you haven’t heard of it. Because if you’re not aware of and actively participating in every relentlessly inane and short-lived trend, then you should at least pretend like you’re not a hermitic Luddite who’s most recent exposure to contemporary culture was accidentally seeing a bus ad for “Maid in Manhattan.”

Following fads is a crucial part of success, because it means you’re an early adopter of the lifestyles, values and diets that will eventually define your generation, like planking and organic acai smoothies.

Unfortunately, the fast pace of today’s media makes it’s very difficult to keep up with fads. The New York Times, chronicler of countless dubious trends, has just this week told us that we must employ nannies for no less than 6 figures, cure our own bacon (it only takes a week!), participate in Seapunk Alien Disco Indie Raves and abandon smartphones in favor of flip phones whose most advanced capability is T9 texting and being heavy enough to serve as a defensive weapon. And if you think all that sounds hard, Forever 21 is now signaling that knees are no longer in style.

Man, you know your word processor is outdated if it doesn't recognize the word seapunk! Image unrelated.

Is it tough to keep up with the times? Yes. Is it a time commitment? Absolutely. Kneecap removal is a time consuming process with a long, painful recovery. Is it worth it?

Only if you remind people how trendy you are! Every time you see someone whip out a smartphone, you should aggressively bang your flip phone on the nearest hard surface and say, “you can’t outclass a classic!” Then complain about how impatient you are to eat your own homemade bacon, and how no one understands seapunk. Trends only work if you bully other people into thinking they are actually trends.

So what does it mean to be Shia Rebuffed? It’s when someone gets rebuffed, and then the rebuffer says “OOOH Shia REBUFFED.” There should probably be some snappy hand gesture involved. It’s not a thing yet, but it will probably be in The New York Times next week.

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